Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Rim Shots

Corona, New York, September 21, 2011--Just talked to Pricci. He said he was working on some Pick 6 follow-up, whatever that means, and would post later.

He said my Emmys review bombed so bad that it got no response and that I needed to do something else.

I told him it's not my fault his readers have no appreciation for the arts.

Anyway, here's some stuff that would have come across my desk, if I had a desk:

The economy is so bad that I received a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

The economy is so bad that Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

The economy is so bad that Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

The economy is so bad that Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The economy is so bad that a picture is now worth 200 words.

The economy is so bad that they renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street."

The economy is so bad that I called the Suicide Hotline and got a call center in Pakistan.

The economy is so bad that when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited. Then they asked if I could drive a truck.

Written by John Pricci

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Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Playing the Red Board at the Emmys

CORONA, NEW YORK, September 19, 2011--Hey, anybody out there watch the Emmys? That’s right, it’s a serious question.

There were more upsets than on the gridiron all last weekend combined.

Waddya’ want from me. I watch a lot of television. In this economy, what the hell else I’m I suppose to do, go to a Yankees game?

Can‘t. Got acrophobia. Sorry, that’s fear of heights. Got the big word from the big man, Pricci. Thinks he’s so smart. See his picks lately? No? Lucky you.

After the football, and the Red Carpet chick stiff, I man-caved with some kettle corn and beer to watch the Emmys, but this song and dance thing broke out.

What the hell is this? It’s that woman from Glee, which I don’t watch, ever, but you know, she was pretty good. Shocked the hell out of me.

Jane Lynch, that’s her name. She was good on her feet, dancing and thinking both.

My favorite part was when she dropped in on the crew from “Mad Men.” Liked the way she tried to put a move on Peggy Olson. I’da picked Joan Harris myself.

And I liked the way Pete Campbell got snarky--yeah, another Pricci word, he never stops. “Go get a new haircut,” or clothes, or something, and Don Draper, my role model, except for the looks, told her just go and don’t come back.

Wouldn’t you love to do that just once? I would.

“So, here’s to you, Don…salute.”

“Hey, you guys are up to the 1960s now, right? Well have a tok of this.. Don‘t worry, it’s good, not skunky, got it from the ‘Real Time’ guy.”

The next cool thing I saw was Amy Poehler coming up to accept, standing on stage before the winner was announced. Then they went up on stage.

Rob Lowe did some fast thinking there.

Then we find out it’s a put-up job because in comes a small crown and some roses for Melissa McCarthy, comedy actress winner, for winning “her first pageant.”

I get it, but you must think we‘re all stupid. But I will say this. Whoever had Molly in the future book scored out. Who knows? Maybe the whole event was scammed.

Look, I love “Friday Night Lights.” The network had it, then took it off the air, it came back on free cable, then the network put it back on.

What was the matter; good show, bad ratings? So how did “Seinfeld” work out when you left him on the air? His ratings stunk too.

I love the coach. Would run through brick walls for the coach. But Coach Taylor over Raylan Givens? How’s that justified?

And Enoch Nucky Thompson, too? That’s a crime.

I thought if anything Tami Taylor had a shot. Now maybe those morons will bring the show back. Know I’d like to see Lila Garrity come back for one more shot with Tim Riggins.

And have him do to her what Monte Beragon did to Mildred Pierce.

[Jeter, I love you. Put you in my Top Five Yankees behind Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio and Mantle. And you probably don’t have any problems getting a date, but you’re an idiot. Angels come along only about every 30 years, Charley].

Speaking of fantasies, my favorite commercial was “J’adore Dior.” Cherize, you can walk my plank anytime. But, I digress, and I new that word myself.

It wasn’t like the night was all longshots, there was a lot of chalk, too. “Mad Men” is now 4-for-4. Unbelievable. Gives boozing and misogyny a good name, don’t ya’ think?

And does “The Daily Show” ever lose? Ever? Everybody knew. See the payoffs? $2.40, out, out. C’mon.

Now I think “Game of Thrones” is pretty good, but “the Imp” over the evil- on-several-levels Boyd Crowder? Can’t justify that one, either.

Now Mags Bennet, she’s evil through and through. And she got what was coming to her, twice. Believe me, it was justified. Just for screwin’ with her son Dickie, who just might be Real Time’s pot dealer.

Well, I missed most of the mini-series and movies, and I missed the low-brow stuff, too. I’ll have to catch up with “Downton Abbey” and “The Kennedys” at some point.

And I guess I’ll watch one episode of “Modern Family,” just because.

“The Amazing Race?” No reality spoken here, except for the “Sing Off.” Picked the winner in both seasons. How do you like that, Pricci?

Alicia Florrick? She’s a great character, with character, accepting her award graciously, albeit dressed in a bejeweled body cast. But the award seemed like a reward for commercial success, that’s all I’m sayin.’

The line of the night belonged to the co-creator of “Modern Family.” Before going off air, he talked about how this couple came up to him and said the best thing about the show is that it teaches tolerance.

“And as I look around this room tonight, I see many examples--of older men with younger women.”

But in all these years, you’d think “Sons Of Anarchy” would get a nod,from this crew. Fudgeddaboudit. Except for Gemma Teller at the Golden Globes, nothing, nada, zilch.

It's “Godfather” meets “The Wild One.” You got a problem with that?

Written by John Pricci

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Thursday, January 20, 2011

They Let Anybody In Here

OK, here’s the way it is: Pricci’s busy, on the road he told me, so he asked me to sit in. Why not, wasn’t doing anything anyway.

Besides, you know what a, ahem, linear thinker he is? A real X and O, trendy kind of guy. Can’t wing it.

But I’m here today and gone tomorrow, you know, like everything else. So from time to time, anyway, I’ll fill in.

What’s with all the new faces around here?

Looks like everybody’s watching football, having parties, root, root rooting for the home team. Better than real life, that’s for sure, with the Tucson tragedy and all.

And better than watching the House of Representatives try to insure the last two years will have been a complete waste of time, ours and everyone else’s.

So if we can repeal the health care bill, we can probably tie up the country for at least another year, not do any real work, then try to win the 2012 White House Bowl.

Of course, the Senate won’t let it happen thereby assuring bipartisan gridlock.

Like the way the market has come back? Like paying $3.55 on the Island for a gallon of regular?

Thank God I watch a lot of TV otherwise I wouldn’t know there are no coincidences.

So how about those J-E-T-S Jets? Can there be anymore bandwagon jumpers around here?

No, I didn’t think they’d win either, but I wasn’t stupid enough to bet them up to -10, either. Gave them a puncher’s chance. Told everybody that.

Told them the Jets needed to play a perfect game, which they pretty much did. They wanted it more, won it the old-school way. Gave them a beat-down.

Did I make money? No. And I always bet the dog. But not if I don’t give them a good chance to win on the field. Otherwise, taking points because you think the number’s too high is amateur hour.

It’s like the racing guys who say this horse can bounce and still win. Yeah, like they know how high.

And BigFoot was going to out-coach The Genius, and The Kid was going to outplay Mr. Perfect? But they did and the win belonged to the fans.

The Pats weren’t pats-ies but they were pass-ive. Where was the urgency, right?

That’s on the coach, but give the Jet ‘D’ credit. And who knew that Sanchez would be the one to go 4-for-4 on the playoff road? But that’s a fact Jack and Jackets-ets-ets.

I have a vision. It’s coming… it’s a Jolly Green Super Bowl.

Just had a flashback.

Wonder how Santa Anita is going to play today? They added sand, trying to slow the thing down. It’s been supersonic but apparently not dangerous. Hope that’s the case.

A fast track does not have to be dangerous. It’s all about the maintenance. And sand takes a lot of moisture, so you can‘t be afraid to water the sonuvabitch.

Who’s gonna’ win this weekend? Don’t know. The NFC Championship is just a glorified black and blue rivalry tilt. Goofy things happen. Breaks win those games.
And the road team’s -3-½? That’s a lot of wood, pal. Take it from Gordon, never get emotional about a team.

Unless it’s your team. Then, you got a hunch? You bet a bunch.

By the way if any of you want to comment, go ahead. But don’t expect me to check every five minutes like Pricci does. Not happening.

I’ve got a life. He doesn’t but I think that’s the way he really likes it. Who knows?

He’s my friend and I’ve got his back. But I’m not tied to this thing. I say what I want, do what I want, when I want. That’s the best part of having an opinion with no portfolio.

My other problem is I don’t know what to do with the Jets. That probably have more skill, they’re on a roll, but this is a classic trap.

When they won last month in Pittsburgh, they needed to stop a two-game losing streak, the Steelers might have lacked the proper motivation.

Yeah, yeah, ya-da, ya-da, they didn’t have the tight end and they didn’t have Polamalu. And the Jets OL problems figure to catch up sooner or later, so, I don’t know.

Another thing. They called last week’s game the second most important win in Jet history after Super Bowl III.

So how are you going to raise to that level again? Yeah, I know, no let-down with the Super Bowl up next.

Here‘s some A-B-C type information: They don’t call it human nature for no reason. The recent win could be a bad thing. I’m just sayin’.

Meanwhile, the Yankees signed another big closer, a Soriano to set up a Mariano. And I’m thinking does that move Jaba one step closer to the starting rotation or to the curb?

“Wait a minute. What?!”

Just heard that you can do this if you want. You can go to Dallas, where they’re playing the Super Bowl in three weeks. Pay for your airfare and hotel.

If you want to go the game, since there are no seats, you can go sit on the grass outside the stadium and watch the game on a giant screen TV for $200.

How stupid do they think people are that they’d sit outside a building just to get a whiff of the atmosphere.

Stealing money from real fans that made them the biggest TV sport product ever. Sucks.

But now I’m smiling again. The Slap Chop guy just came on. “Making you cry, making me cry… If you act right now… fettuccini, martini, linguini, zucchini.” Beautiful.

Well this looks about long enough. Big guy’s back tomorrow, I’m out.

Written by Broadway Johnny

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