LAKE PLACID, NY — So this is it, Breeders’ Cup Weekend, where all our hopes and dreams will be realized. What a pitifully hopeful statement. Unfortunately for those of us who have no job and whose unemployment runs out in two weeks, it makes this BC Weekend deeply unsettling (and yes, I’ve applied to many jobs to no avail). Especially those of us who have a gambling itch like Seinfeld’s Cosmo Kramer in the Diplomats Club at JFK.
That’s what it comes down to: a weekend with a few buddies and a keg of bad beer, mulling around scattered OTB tickets of which I have no investment.
There’s Pete, Jeff, Tommy, Tiny, Corporal, and Troy ironing out Pick 3s and Pick 4s, dirty bastards. Without further delay, it is time to relive the Breeders’ Cup Weekend without any of that stuffed up negativity.

3:35 ... Just like when Homer Simpson went sober, he found how terribly boring baseball was without beer. Such revelations are alive here, just replace beer with currency, and baseball with horse racing. Wow, this sport can be boring without the benjies. But you know, getting to see the best horses in the world compete is pretty cool in and of itself.
I have this friend (not present), Mike, and he was drinking a pumpkin ale at The Local in the art district of Saratoga Springs. His boss was with us at the time, someone who Mike apes like a child worshipping an older sibling. His boss also had a pumpkin ale, but thought it unfit for his palate. So what does Mike say? ‘I don’t like it either. It’s not perfect enough for me.’ I just about lost it. Lost it.
And that has been the overall BC sentiment with regards to Santa Anita. You know what? I took a swig of that pumpkin ale (backwash and all), it was not only good, but perfect enough for me. So too is this BC. Let’s get it on Marathon!
Yes, listen to the Pro-Ride hit the hoof, sounds so, so, natural, the way waves in a waterbed sound every bit as soothing as the Cape Cod surf.
Check out that L.A. smog too, gotta be good for the horses. This race is boring, you’re boring, Marathon, stop being boring. And there goes Man of Iron! What a start to the Ladies Day ... with a win for the men. Hmmm ...

3:38 ... Oh, no, Jeff, a 260-pound former catcher in the Blue Jays farm system is doing a keg stand. Didn’t we outgrow this? Oh, no.
What this party needs is a little Jeannine Edwards. Oh, there she is, talking horse safety and the ‘rigorous physical examination process.’ Amen, my fair lady. And there’s the token European reporter, accent and everything. ESPN left nothing to chance.

3:45 ... Starting to look over PP’s that litter Good Ol’ Pete’s apartment. Like leaving an alcoholic an open bottle of Jim Beam.

3:58 ... And what’s this? Zenyatta is even money tomorrow. Off the board, that’s what I say. And that’s my lllllock of the weekend. I’ve never surer of anything in my life.

4:08 ... Time for the Juvenile Filly Turf and, from what Good Ol’ Pete told me, USA Today’s Tom Pedulla said that Maram will be back to defend her crown in the Juvvy filly turf. This is the most impressive feat of the weekend. Forget Zenyatta taking on the boys tomorrow. Forget that. Maram has found a way to go back in time and compete against a new set of juvvy turfers. Wait a tick, she withdrew, I only hope Pedulla made that statement tongue-in-cheek, that Maram was in this race only to withdraw. Man, I hope.

4:10 ... Tapitsfly keeps my gambling friends alive in a monster Pick 3. I love to vicariously live through people who have the presence of mind to avoid the arts.
The guys need either Connie and Michael or Beautician to hit the Pick 3 and send them into a frenzy the likes of which are reserved only for winners and chronic dope users.

4:50 ... Oh ... no, She Be Wild gets there in the BC Juvenile Fillies with that little Frenchy Julien Leparoux. It’s been quite a while since I’ve heard such a string of expletives.
But it’s onto the Filly and Mare Turf where Maram has shown up. Look at her! Not only did she try to defend her BC Juv. Filly Turf, but she’s going up against Forever Together. This. Is. Drama.

5:25 ... Jeff is crying for a Mexican Flag dinner at the Downhill Grill here in Lake Placid. It’s three enchiladas — one cheese, one beef, one chicken — layered with red, green, and white sauce to make the perfect Mexican flag. For the vegetarian it’s just another thing that is out of reach, like a job, success, and paternal approval.

5:26 ... But it looks like Midday just shot up the rail to win the 10-furlong turf test in a time of 1:59.14. Forever Together just didn’t get a good shot at it, poor gal.

5:30 ... Starting to wish I had placed some bets despite this stench of failure that is in the room.

6:02 ... Pete is worried that there won’t be any pace in the F&M Sprint. He is worried that Informed Decision will get an easy lead and not look back. Oh, and there she goes, like Flo-Jo, an easy lead, an easy win. Looks like Johnny Sheppard got some redemption after Forever Together’s dud. Pete calls for 3G’s on Game Face. Things that make you go hmmmm.
This whole USA vs. Europe thing is pretty lame. The Ryder Cup of horse racing! That is until it goes back to dirt and the Euros will be relegated to a Parisian bistro and a bad nightclub. I love when networks try to make something that isn’t interesting interesting. For instance, this USA vs. Europe rivalry is not even worth the effort since the U.S. has more entrants than Shawn Kemp has illegitimate children. Or the Randy Moss EXACT-O-MATIC. Watching him smash his finger on the screen to drag over an icon is humorous. If he doesn’t watch it, his index finger may become lamnitic.
The only thing better is the B-List celebrity. Like Charlie O’Connell, the less attractive brother to Jerry O’Connell. Take what you can get. Not all of us can get Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner. Hell, I’d take Shakira and her wonderful, wonderful curves. Hey, this is Ladies Day.

6:30 ... So this is the Zenyatta-less Ladies Classic and this is the spot I wanted to see Zenyatta run for fear that she will lose tomorrow. Then again, this is a strong field and perhaps her best shot is tomorrow. There’s Careless Jewel, who, if she gets a relaxed lead, could do some damage. There’s Music Note, who is like Yo-Yo Ma — straight nasty — who should win this thing. Life Is Sweet is interesting as a John Shirreffs trainee.
C’mon, gimme John Shirreffs on the fence, show me that blue-collar ball cap. Show me what love is, yes! There he is. In touch with the low-life commoners spitting and drooling behind him. Life Is Sweet at 8-1. Good Ol’ Pete is happy with that and loves Mushka underneath.

6:43 ... I love The Onion and Despair.com. Humor is right up my alley. If I worked for The Onion (please, oh, please) I might write a headline like, Zenyatta: Urges track super to move outside rail in to encourage Mike Smith from going 14-wide. Or, Report: Horses turning to other sports for entertainment. Or, Grasshopper confused by own name.

6:45 ... And Away They Go ... Part of me, ok, all of me loves Careless Jewel. I’m a sucker for Alabama winners. I am. Proud Spell, were it not for simple evolutionary biology, might be in foal to me and not Indian Charlie. Fact: She loves candy apple martinis.
And Trevor Denman just said that Careless Jewel’s stride is shortening up. This is bad, this is real bad. Who is that coming down the center of the track? It’s Life Is Sweet, though, I must disagree with that name. Life Is Bitter. Too predictable. Life Is Battery Acid. Now we’re talkin’.
Good Ol’ Pete, strangely, kept his clothes on as Mushka rounded out the exacta. An 8-1 to over a 16-1? Says Pete, “That’ll easily pay $200-300.” What’s that? It pays $80.
Awwwww! Sorry, buddy.

7:00 ... Gambling glands are salivating. I haven’t placed a bet since Travers Day and I’m thinking that I’m going to have to throw my hat in the ring. There’s a crumpled Hamilton in my pocket. I mean you only live once, right? You only die once too, but that’s another conversation.
I mean, you don’t lose money in Vegas, you make money. And, and, gambling is the greatest thing a man do IF he’s good at it.
Stay tuned for Saturday’s Diary.