Is it an earthquake, or simply a shock?

Is it that good turtle soup, or merely the mock?

--Cole Porter lyric, from "At Long Last Love"



LOS ANGELES, June 29, 2010--Toward the end of that bizarre California Horse Racing Board meeting last week, a woman from the audience, whose name I'm not sure of, came forward with a notion that might rescue the moribund game. I think that's why she was there. She owns Arabian horses, and she was saying that more Arabian races will cure the horse shortage. She seemed on the verge of tears, she was so devoted to the Arabians. But finally Keith Brackpool, chairman of the racing board, had to politely tell her that the three minutes allocated to each public speaker were up. "Yes, we want ideas," Brackpool said, reaching for the right words, "but I don't think this idea is quite on point."


A day or two later, I was driving through Marina Del Rey, a neighboring town, when I went by Brennan's Pub on Lincoln Boulevard. Brennan's has been advertising turtle racing for as long as I can remember, which is still a reasonably long time. Many years ago, I said to my wife Pat, "It might be a hoot. Let's go there some Thursday." We did, and were told that the turtles had taken the night off. Unions.

So last week, it hit me between the eyes. A panacea for the sad state of California racing is not Arabians, it's turtles. Turtle racing in bars, with parimutuel betting and the tracks getting a lion's share of the handle because they've agreed to open up their markets. All of this is in the incubator stage, but it is not to be dismissed out of hand. They laughed when California tracks introduced mules, too.

The first thing that needs to be done is to change the name of the California Horse Racing Board. This would take legislative action, I suppose, but I've heard that the turtle lobby in Sacramento is strong. Any turtle that can take an odd Thursday night off at Brennan's Pub is bound to have a strong lobby.

We don't have to be too creative. The name of the new agency would become the California Horse Racing and Turtle Racing Board (CHRTRB). (I've wondered how the CHRB has control over mule racing when it only has "horse" in its title).

I called the manager of Brennan's before I wrote this, but he or she has failed to respond. Too bad, because if he or she knew that a seat on the newly constructed CHRTRB was in the offing, the call would have been returned in three shakes of a turtle's tail (you can barely see the little buggers, but they do have tails). And if the manager is a man, and somebody told him Bo Derek was also on the board, it would be one shake of a turtle's tail.

Brennan's is already offering turtle betting on its Website. It's not for real money, but you start with an imaginary stake of 100 units and can bet on any of four turtles, whose odds are posted on the screen, and the race begins any time you press the "start" button. It's interesting to note that even in turtle racing, short fields are an issue. I lost my 100 units in about five minutes, or about five races. This limited sample shows that betting on chalk in turtle racing is to be avoided.

The mechanism at the racing board is sort of already in place for the turtles. The board has been entertaining applications for mini-satellite betting parlors for some time now, and at the last meeting, a license was approved for the OC Tavern in San Clemente, California. Another application was not approved, but I have a hunch that when Artichoke Joe's in San Bruno reads this, they'll borrow the business plan at Brennan's in Marina Del Rey, add turtle racing and the board with the new name will approve them posthaste.

Michael Merrigan, owner of the OC Tavern, said that his establishment is a popular place to watch sports on TV, "and we see this (horse betting) as another form of entertainment. It offers a great social aspect."

Merrigan could just as well have been talking about turtle racing. The way I understand it, at Brennan's turtles are rented for $5 for the night to players, who may use them in all the races. Then there is this interesting twist: There is a $10 fine for anyone pointing at their turtle while it's racing. Around the dawn of time, the first turtle was pointed at, then summarily thrown into a boiling pot, and this genetic fear has been passed on in the species to the present day. Thus PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) will never be in the hair of the CHRTRB. (I know, turtles are reptiles, but PETA sometimes oversteps its bounds).

By the way, Brennan's goes out of its way to to say that there is no turtle soup on the menu. If only turtles could read.

There is a rich tradition of turtle racing in the U.S., which will help the handle once the sport is legalized in California. A zoo in Decatur, Illinois, has been running its Turtle 200 for more than 25 years. Competitors can bring their own turtles, or rent them for a dollar (Brennan's much higher rental fee helps subsidize a rock band that plays on turtle night). One year a turtle named Skipper won a race in Decatur, surprising his 7-year-old owner. "He's kind of not very good right now," she said before the race. "He keeps on wanting to run off the track." I think she was just trying to get the odds up. More to the point, horse racing yearns for a younger crowd. Wouldn't turtle owners at seven grow up to bet on them when they're old enough?

I found a story about turtle racing in Deerfield, Kansas. They started with a field of 49, before heats narrowed the group. Another 7-year-old girl (young girls apparently gravitate to turtles the way they do to horses) won at Deerfield with an unnamed turtle. "We've talked about naming him One-Eyed Willie," she said. Deerfield also has a beauty pageant for toads. Miss Kratchnut, get me a ticket to Deerfield, ASAP. I need a good dose of a community with a sense of humor.

It follows, that after several decades of outrageous success with parimutuel turtle racing, California would move on to rabbit racing. The state might also consider racing rabbits against turtles, although I doubt that handle would amount to much. The turtles would always win.