N.B. Props to my biz partner, friend and comrade in the trenches, Celeste P. Caruso and to the awesome Justine Blair Carroll for their contributions to this piece.
Arabophobia: The unnatural, unrealistic, ignorant, fear-mongering and reactionary response to the very existence and extraordinary contributions of those from the Middle East, most notably, those in Thoroughbred racing who hail from from Dubai. Arabophobia can be fatal, as closed minds atrophy and eventually shut down, altogether. And, BTW, for those of you who speak fluent Hillbilly: the root word is pronounced, "AIR-ib," not "AAAAA-rab."
Big Brown: A beautiful, sweet, personable, amazing Thoroughbred. Whom we suspect wouldn't have been quite-so-big, sans doping. See "Steroid Void."
Broodmare: A female Thoroughbred who may have a bright future as a racehorse, but—because she's packin' a uterus—is relegated to the breeding shed too early in her career. Often confused with a Xerox machine. See diagrams of horses at http://www.NTRA.com , and of copiers at http://www.Xerox.com in order to differentiate. Then please pass this information along to owners and trainers.
Calikillication: What happens when 100 horses starve to death on a Thoroughbred breeding farm, 100 miles from the Breeders' Cup—and no one notices.
Comm-oddity: A trainer, owner, groom, handicapper, fan, bettor, administrator or anyone who plays any other role in racing, who mistakenly believes that horses are nothing more than a business investment. Said persons have no right making a living in equine industries, and should relinquish their positions (tout de suite) to those of us who realize that horses are sentient, loving, intelligent beings.
Dope: Unnecessary drugs administered to a horse. Also, the person (veterinarian, trainer) responsible for said administration. See "Venomymous" and "Steroid Void."
Equicide: The murder of horses. Period. Money is exchanged, horses scream, French people dine. Illegal in the United States, and yet—the practice continues, thanks to those dreamy killers in Mexico and Canada.
FanTelligence: The intellectual acumen necessary to be a genuine fan of horseracing. Knowledge of pedigree, politics, laws, doping, personnel, race and workout times and conformation. Most racing officials assume that FanTelligence does not exist; therefore, FanTelligence is neither considered nor respected among those who thrash about wildly in their efforts to market the sport.
Furlong: One-eighth of a mile, 660 feet, 220 yards. A word with which women are familiar, but which is often used to quiz us, to see if we're smart.
Handicrapping: The act of bull-throwing in order to create the illusion of knowledge in the science of handicapping. Usually involves speaking loudly and waving hands around in order to confirm one's importance as an "expert." One who handicraps, of course, is a Handicrapper.
Hotwire: What NYRA's parking attendants will do to your car, if it's parked improperly in Saratoga. No doubt frowned-upon at Keeneland or Santa Anita, but a socially acceptable practice in New York. We trust our attendants—we're all family here.
Infield Fan: Oxymoron. One cannot be drunk and vomiting; sexually predatory; mud-wrestling—and watch the Kentucky Derby with a single digit of IQ intact to actually care about the drama unfolding on the track. A myth perpetuated by Smarketers and beer distributors.
InNoDifference: The trait of closing one's eyes to the obvious, of standing aside while atrocities are committed. Unless the Thoroughbred industry speaks out as One Voice against the sin of equine slaughter, we come across as being indifferent. Ergo, we are No-Different from the AQHA. And every bit as complicit of the crime.
Jolley Balls: The joyous execution of the natural methods of a Hall of Fame Trainer. A Trainer thus predisposed, and having the guts to say NO to unnecessary drugs, is said to possess Jolley Balls.
"Ladies' Classic": It sounds like a razor. Or a new type of bikini wax. But NO, it's the Breeders' Cup DISTAFF, the "big race" on the BC card for fillies and mares. Relegated to "Ladies' Day," the day before the "serious" races—the moniker, "Ladies' Classic" completely diminishes the importance of the race, and of the great female horses who won it in the past (e.g., Azeri). And by-the-way, guys—female horses can't be "ladies." Otherwise, they'd defer to males every time.
Mennonitis: The state of fear instilled in a horse's heart when s/he realizes that s/he has been bought by a "pacifist" Mennonite at New Holland. Many such people have no problem working horses into the ground, or selling them to a killer-buyer for more money.
Merciful Slaughter: An oxymoron. See, "jumbo shrimp."
Natural Horsemanship: Preached by Pat Parelli, and practiced by NYRA Head Starter Roy and his Assistant Starters. The revolutionary concept of cooperating with the horse, rather than intimidating or scaring it into submission. Unique idea, that the horse wants to trust all the humans in his midst, rather than being tail-and-ear-pulled into the gate.
New Holland: Think, "Old Holland," circa 17th Century Europe. Think, "slavery," "screaming," "pain," and "violent death."
Non-Sextarian: The almost religiously fanatical belief—and unofficial policy—that woman have no right to be involved with the Thoroughbred industry.
Old Boys Club: Like the Illuminati or Skull and Bones, the steeped-in-tradition, self-perpetuating system of assuring that women and other minorities stay in their places: pretty frocks in the Clubhouse, and the backstretch, respectively.
"Older Horse": Given that a Thoroughbred is not fully grown until age FIVE, it is not only incorrect but outright idiotic to refer to a six-, seven- or eight-year-old Thoroughbred as being "older." The myth of the "Older Horse" is perpetuated by those who make obscene amounts of money ripping horses off the track after their third-year campaign in order to send these teenagers to the breeding shed.
Real Men: Men who aren't threatened when they detect estrogen in the barn. Gents such as Dennis Brida, Leroy Jolley, Alan Zura and John Pricci, who respect women in racing, and do all they can to further the cause. Hooves up to men like these—we dig 'em.
Richard "Duh"trow: Self-explanatory.
'Roid Rage: The overwhelming emotion expressed by true horselovers when confronted with the fact that many Thoroughbred Champions have been shot-up and are being abused thus.
Sin of Non-Commission: The fact that racing is the only major American sport for which there is no governing body, no universal rules and laws to protect the very horses who provide a hefty living for many people—is nothing short of a condemnable sin.
Smarketers: Madison Avenue morons who also make gobs of money feeding a boatload of nonsense to racing administrators desperate to find ways to bring more people to the track, and to betting. These Smarketers shovel all the crap that works for Disneyland and casinos at officials—and they eat it up. Bouncy-bounces; face-painting for kids; hot dog eating and "how drunk can you get in the infield?" contests—everything but introducing potential fans to an actual, oh, I don't know—HORSE—is packaged and sold to the strung-out folks who run racetracks. And they buy up these stupid ideas, because they've paid crazy amounts of cash to the Smarketer for these ill-advised plans. Instead of asking the Fans. (Novel concept, I know. See, "FanTelligence.")
Sport of Kings: A misnomer for a sport which is dominated by female fans. See, "Old Boys' Club."
Starter/Assistant Starter: The Cowboys of Racing, those hot, strong, quick-witted, level-headed men who love the horses so much that they're willing to crawl into a cubbyhole in an electric gate with them, and save their lives at the risk of their own.
Steroid Void: The act of invalidating the race record of a horse whose entire career has been manipulated by inappropriate use of steroids.
Strumpet Call to the Post: The high-pitched alarm that goes out to summon scores of scantily-clad, stiletto-heeled, pseudo-seductive young Kentucky women to the third floor of Keeneland. Perchance the inspiration for "Ladies' Day" at the BC? NOT. (Usually observed drinking pink beverages with abandon, these fillies ship to Saratoga for August.)
Teaser: A male horse whose job it is to get the mare ready for her date with destiny. Also, the campaign of false hope conducted by Churchill Downs, that "common folk" can get decent tickets to the Kentucky Derby—only to be rejected every year, in favor of rock stars and tartlets with no knowledge of the sport, whose only interest is being seen at The Big Party.
Thoroughbred: A living, breathing, intelligent, sentient being capable of giving and receiving love. The second-fastest animal on Earth, after the cheetah. A powerhouse of beauty, strength, perfect musculature and intellectual ability. Often confused with an old shoe or steak dinner. See, "New Holland."
Thumbs: The only advantage humans have over horses, the sole reason why horses don't rule the world: lack of thumbs.
"Unwanted Horse": A non-existent animal. A phrase used to justify slaughter, often by those for whom artificial insemination is the accepted practice. Every horse, somewhere, could find a home if all horselovers put our heads together.
Venomymous: The act of securing and using cobra venom on a horse, without knowledge or consent of the horse or owner.
Verminator: Job description of a Jack Russell Terrier, often seen in shedrows and in stalls, weeding out da rats.
Women in Racing: An underutilized phrase, almost archaic in use. Refers to the 51% of the population which actually constitutes the majority of the fanbase of Thoroughbred racing—and yet which accounts for only 5% of the professional and executive positions in the sport.
13 Jan 2009 at 10:11 am | #
Kudos to Marion Altieri for her clever wit, her praises for what is good in this industry and her courage for admonishing what is bad. If this industry is to survive, it needs to listen to people like Marion Altieri but most importantly ACT!!!!!
18 Jan 2009 at 04:47 pm | #
I have just stumbled on your blog and it's fantastic. Thank you for the wonderful definitions. They should be posted in big type in every barn, executive office and men's room stall. Kudos!