Monday, October 25, 2010

Called Western Union.  No Answer.

Send me a kiss by wire
Baby, ma heart's on fire

--From "Hello! Ma Baby," written by Joseph E. Howard and Ida Emerson in 1899

LOS ANGELES, October 26, 2010--I think it's a shame that you can't send a telegram anymore. This is starting out sounding like a piece that Andy Rooney might do, and if he has and I've accidentally stolen something, Miss Kratchnutt, tell the CBS lawyers to take a number.

If nothing else, Western Union, the last American company that was in the telegram business, gave certain wiseacres a chance to be funny. And where else did we get a chance to end every sentence with the word stop? When Alexander Woollcott wrote for The New Yorker, he did a long piece on Cary Grant. There was everything in there but Grant's BVD size, and his age. So the editor, Harold Ross, sent Woollcott a telegram. It read:

HOW OLD CARY GRANT? STOP

Woollcott telegrammed back:

OLD CARY GRANT FINE; HOW YOU? STOP

Then there was the lothario who took his mistress to a resort hotel. His wife thought he was attending a business convention. Beside himself with guilt, he sent this wire to his wife:

HAVING A WONDERFUL TIME STOP WISH YOU WERE HER STOP

At least he didn't send it collect. I was covering the 1975 World Series, one of the best ever played, when I got this telegram in Cincinnati from the editor of my paper, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette:

WE DON'T NEED THREE PEOPLE COVERING SERIES SO PLEASE COME HOME STOP

I was the sports editor, and the other two were my charges, but that didn't seem to cut any ice. From Boston, I had written about the first two games, and I wondered why this genius waited until I got to Cincinnati to pull the rug. I went home, all right, with a letter of resignation in my hand, and then spent five lonely months next to the telephone before another job came along.

Just think, if Western Union was still delivering telegrams, what insightful missives might be going back and forth among the lords of horse racing.

Frank Stronach, owner of Santa Anita and other tracks, to Sherwood Chillingworth of the Oak Tree Racing Association:

HEARD YOUR MEETING AT HOLLYWOOD PARK HAS BEEN A GREAT SUCCESS STOP TOLD YOU IT WOULDN'T MATTER WHERE YOU RAN STOP FONDEST REGARDS STOP

Chillingworth, answering Stronach:

FRANK, WHEN YOU GET BACK FROM MARS, PLEASE GIVE ME A CALL STOP LOVE, CHILLY STOP

Greg Avioli, Breeders' Cup, to Jerry and Ann Moss, owners of Zenyatta:

MY FINGERS ARE CROSSED STOP GET HER HERE SOONEST STOP

Jerry Moss, to Avioli:

ANN AND I ARE TRAVELING TOGETHER STOP BUT THANKS FOR ASKING STOP

Avioli to Jerry Moss:

IGNORE FIRST TELEGRAM STOP

Mike Pegram, potential buyer of Del Mar, to Joe Harper, track CEO:

DON'T WORRY JOE STOP I LOVE YOU STOP

Harper to Pegram:

DID I EVER TELL YOU THAT REAL QUIET WAS MY FAVORITE HORSE? STOP

Richard Shapiro, former chairman of the California Horse Racing Board when it force-fed synthetic tracks, to Frank Stronach:

PLAN TO ATTEND OPENER DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS STOP SAVE ME A SOUVENIR CALENDAR AND A SCOOP OF YOUR NEW DIRT STOP

Stronach to Shapiro:

FAT CHANCE STOP

Horseplayers Association of North America to California Horse Racing Board:

THE DAY AFTER SANTA, WE GET HUMBUG AT SANTA ANITA STOP THANKS FOR AN EVEN MORE ONEROUS TAKEOUT ON OUR BETS STOP SCROOGE IS ALIVE AND WELL STOP

Racing board to horseplayers:

DROP DEAD STOP

Riva Ridge to Disney Pictures:

THERE WAS A KENTUCKY DERBY IN 1972 AND I WON IT STOP WILL I GET SOME SCREEN TIME IN THE SECRETARIAT SEQUEL? STOP

Disney Pictures to Riva Ridge:

NO SEQUEL PLANNED STOP PIX ABOUT MISTER ED IN DEVELOPMENT STOP INTERESTED? STOP

Angle Light to Disney Pictures:

THERE WAS A WOOD MEMORIAL RUN IN 1973 AND I WON IT STOP SEND SECRETARIAT OUTTAKES IMMEDIATELY STOP

Disney Pictures to Angle Light:

NEVER HEARD OF YOU STOP

Jockey-turned-actor Gary Stevens to Disney Pictures:

I THOUGHT RON TURCOTTE, SECRETARIAT'S JOCKEY, COULD HAVE BEEN PLAYED MORE CONVINCINGLY STOP

Disney to Gary Stevens:

DON'T CALL US, WE'LL CALL YOU STOP

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