Baby, ma heart's on fire
--From "Hello! Ma Baby," written by Joseph E. Howard and Ida Emerson in 1899
LOS ANGELES, October 26, 2010--I think it's a shame that you can't send a telegram anymore. This is starting out sounding like a piece that Andy Rooney might do, and if he has and I've accidentally stolen something, Miss Kratchnutt, tell the CBS lawyers to take a number.
HOW OLD CARY GRANT? STOP
Woollcott telegrammed back:
OLD CARY GRANT FINE; HOW YOU? STOP
Then there was the lothario who took his mistress to a resort hotel. His wife thought he was attending a business convention. Beside himself with guilt, he sent this wire to his wife:
HAVING A WONDERFUL TIME STOP WISH YOU WERE HER STOP
At least he didn't send it collect. I was covering the 1975 World Series, one of the best ever played, when I got this telegram in Cincinnati from the editor of my paper, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette:
WE DON'T NEED THREE PEOPLE COVERING SERIES SO PLEASE COME HOME STOP
I was the sports editor, and the other two were my charges, but that didn't seem to cut any ice. From Boston, I had written about the first two games, and I wondered why this genius waited until I got to Cincinnati to pull the rug. I went home, all right, with a letter of resignation in my hand, and then spent five lonely months next to the telephone before another job came along.
Just think, if Western Union was still delivering telegrams, what insightful missives might be going back and forth among the lords of horse racing.
Frank Stronach, owner of Santa Anita and other tracks, to Sherwood Chillingworth of the Oak Tree Racing Association:
HEARD YOUR MEETING AT HOLLYWOOD PARK HAS BEEN A GREAT SUCCESS STOP TOLD YOU IT WOULDN'T MATTER WHERE YOU RAN STOP FONDEST REGARDS STOP
Chillingworth, answering Stronach:
FRANK, WHEN YOU GET BACK FROM MARS, PLEASE GIVE ME A CALL STOP LOVE, CHILLY STOP
Greg Avioli, Breeders' Cup, to Jerry and Ann Moss, owners of Zenyatta:
MY FINGERS ARE CROSSED STOP GET HER HERE SOONEST STOP
Jerry Moss, to Avioli:
ANN AND I ARE TRAVELING TOGETHER STOP BUT THANKS FOR ASKING STOP
Avioli to Jerry Moss:
IGNORE FIRST TELEGRAM STOP
Mike Pegram, potential buyer of Del Mar, to Joe Harper, track CEO:
DON'T WORRY JOE STOP I LOVE YOU STOP
Harper to Pegram:
DID I EVER TELL YOU THAT REAL QUIET WAS MY FAVORITE HORSE? STOP
Richard Shapiro, former chairman of the California Horse Racing Board when it force-fed synthetic tracks, to Frank Stronach:
PLAN TO ATTEND OPENER DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS STOP SAVE ME A SOUVENIR CALENDAR AND A SCOOP OF YOUR NEW DIRT STOP
Stronach to Shapiro:
FAT CHANCE STOP
Horseplayers Association of North America to California Horse Racing Board:
THE DAY AFTER SANTA, WE GET HUMBUG AT SANTA ANITA STOP THANKS FOR AN EVEN MORE ONEROUS TAKEOUT ON OUR BETS STOP SCROOGE IS ALIVE AND WELL STOP
Racing board to horseplayers:
DROP DEAD STOP
Riva Ridge to Disney Pictures:
THERE WAS A KENTUCKY DERBY IN 1972 AND I WON IT STOP WILL I GET SOME SCREEN TIME IN THE SECRETARIAT SEQUEL? STOP
Disney Pictures to Riva Ridge:
NO SEQUEL PLANNED STOP PIX ABOUT MISTER ED IN DEVELOPMENT STOP INTERESTED? STOP
Angle Light to Disney Pictures:
THERE WAS A WOOD MEMORIAL RUN IN 1973 AND I WON IT STOP SEND SECRETARIAT OUTTAKES IMMEDIATELY STOP
Disney Pictures to Angle Light:
NEVER HEARD OF YOU STOP
Jockey-turned-actor Gary Stevens to Disney Pictures:
I THOUGHT RON TURCOTTE, SECRETARIAT'S JOCKEY, COULD HAVE BEEN PLAYED MORE CONVINCINGLY STOP
Disney to Gary Stevens:
DON'T CALL US, WE'LL CALL YOU STOP
26 Oct 2010 at 12:05 pm | #
Bill. Great column. Reminds me of a dear departed Canadian sports columnist who was caught up in the festivities surrounding The Grey Cup (sometimes called the Grand National Drunk), which is our Super Bowl. Severely hung over and facing a deadline, this genius dashed to hotel lobby newstand, purchased as many papers as he could carry, and retreated to his room to clip out excerpts from the sports pages. Then,using Brylcreem to secure the items to his paper, he wrote an opening paragraph and finished with..."and here’s what others have to say.” Having dispatched the delivery boy from Western Union, he bolted for the bar.
The following morning he received the following telegram from his editor.
“Best copy you have ever produced.” Stop
26 Oct 2010 at 12:17 pm | #
Very good and humorous article. i remember when i was at summercamp with the air force reserves and was going to the races at Centennial Downs in the Denver area that i needed cash and couldn’t get a sizeable check cashed. I wired my dad for money through Western Union and promptly received it. I don’t remember if i won or lost at the races or if i paid my dad back.
26 Oct 2010 at 12:26 pm | #
Funny, I was also at an Air Force Reserve summer camp where the base bank had been closed for remodeling. I had a banker back home--I still remember his name, Lou Tiedeman--who kept responding to my Western Unior requests for money. Then about six months later, I ran into Lou on the street. Very hesitatingly, because he was a gentleman, he finally stammered: “Bill.... None of my business, but what the hell was going on with you last summer?” The irony is that I spent most of it on a Western Union telegrapher whom I had met while filing a newspaper story out of the town.
26 Oct 2010 at 02:42 pm | #
Keith Brackpool to David Israel:
ARNOLD WILL SIGN TAKEOUT BILL TOMORROW STOP BE SURE TO HAVE CONVINCING EXPLANATION FOR INCREASE READY WHEN THEY CONFIRM DURING THE BOARD MEETING STOP
David Israel to Keith Brackpool:
NO NEED TO WORRY STOP HAVE BEEN WORKING ON IT FOR DAYS STOP PEOPLE WILL BE HIGHLY ENTERTAINED STOP